Overcoming Perfectionism by Ann W. Smith & MS & LMFT

Author:Ann W. Smith & MS & LMFT
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Headaches, Isolation, Anxiety, Fear of failure, Sleep disturbances, Digestive problems, Sexual dysfunction, Depression, Suicidal thoughts or tendencies, Inability to establish boundaries, Need for control, Excessive guilt and shame, differences between overt and covert perfectionism, temperament, sibling relationships, life circumstances
Publisher: Health Communications Inc
Published: 2013-03-03T16:00:00+00:00

Intimacy is an honest emotional connection between two human beings. The intimacy between parent and child will, of course, be very different from that between adult friends or lovers. At least six ingredients are necessary for intimacy to occur:

Self-knowledge. There must be an I to share. We have to know who we are before we can share ourselves with someone else. For example, I am sensitive and I like to talk things through. I love my home and family connections. I wouldn’t be me without them. I am not simply the roles I play.

Risk of rejection. We must be able to face the possibility that with our openness and honesty, rejection is always possible. Intimate relationships are not without conflict. Intimacy comes from sharing good and bad feelings and expressing needs, all without defensiveness. Finding healthy ways to manage the anxiety that comes from separation or rejection is an essential task for all adults who want intimacy.

Shared feelings. Intimacy is not accomplished by sharing opinions or activities alone. It must include sharing feelings: about life, about me, about you, and about us. Feelings include sadness, fear, anger, guilt, shame, and joy.

Clear boundaries. These give us a sense of safety. When I know what I need and respect what you need, I do not hold you responsible for my feelings. I do not ask you to be my sole support. I do not need to know everything about you. I don’t place excessive demands, nor will I tolerate abuse.

Interdependence. This suggests a willingness to both give to and receive from the other. It is the glue that holds a committed relationship together and creates the opportunity for intimacy.

Emotional risk. Many of us fear intimacy because of the risks involved in getting that close. Clients have often reported, in hindsight, that they have run away from what seemed to be a healthy person because they felt threatened. Sex can be used to avoid intimacy: “You can have my body, as long as I don’t have to tell you who I am.” It is used as a way to feel something with minimal emotional risk.

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